When Loss Is Sudden and Unthinkable

When Loss Is Sudden and Unthinkable: Navigating Anger and Complex Emotions After a Tragic Death

When a loved one dies suddenly—especially in tragic, violent, or preventable circumstances—the grief that follows is unlike any other. These losses often rupture our understanding of how life unfolds. They come without warning, without goodbye, and without the quiet dignity we may associate with a natural passing.

Whether through accident, suicide, homicide, medical negligence, overdose, or disaster, tragic deaths leave behind not only sorrow but a storm of other emotions—anger among them. As a grief professional, and as someone who has accompanied many individuals through the aftermath of such loss, I want to name something clearly: what you’re feeling is not only normal—it is human.

The Myth of “Peaceful” Grieving

There is a widely held but misleading idea that grief is primarily a quiet sadness or a gentle mourning. For those who have lost a loved one to a tragic or traumatic death, this image can feel alienating—sometimes even harmful.

In reality, grief can be loud, disorienting, and filled with contradictions. It may show up as rage, guilt, numbness, anxiety, confusion, or a sense of unreality. It may come with questions that have no answers. And when the death was violent or preventable, grief is often layered with trauma, injustice, and disbelief.

This grief does not follow a tidy path. There is no universal order to the “stages.” The experience is more like waves, or tides, or even a spinning compass with no clear direction.

Understanding Anger in Grief

Anger is one of the most misunderstood—and often judged—emotions in grief. Yet, it is one of the most natural responses to a loss that feels senseless or unjust.

Anger may arise toward:

• The person who died (“Why didn’t they call me? Why weren’t they more careful?”)

• Ourselves (“Why didn’t I do more?”)

• Medical systems, institutions, or individuals involved

• Friends or family who don’t understand the depth of your pain

• God, the universe, or fate itself

Anger can be hot and explosive. It can also be quiet and simmering—an ongoing sense of being wronged by life. It may feel inappropriate or shameful, especially if you're someone who doesn't usually express anger openly. But in the context of tragic grief, anger is often a sign of deep love, unmet protection, and powerlessness. It is a protest against what should never have happened.

Other Common Emotional Responses

Alongside anger, you may encounter:

• Shock and disbelief – Struggling to comprehend that this has actually happened.

• Guilt – Whether rational or not, many people feel they failed in some way.

• Fear – A sudden awareness of life’s fragility can make the world feel unsafe.

• Numbness – A protective mechanism of the mind to shield you from overwhelm.

• Isolation – Others may not understand, or may not know how to support you.

These are not detours from the grief process—they are the process. Each emotion is a signal, a message from your inner world trying to make sense of something senseless.

The Pressure to "Move On"

People around you may, with good intentions, try to guide you back to “normal.” They may suggest silver linings, spiritual meanings, or try to minimize the pain. These responses, while well-meant, can be deeply invalidating. When grief is born of tragedy, there is no quick resolution.

Grief after a tragic death is not something to move on from—it is something we learn to carry, often painfully, until it changes shape.

You are not failing because you are still angry. You are not broken because joy feels far away. You are grieving. And grieving is work.

What Helps

1. Permission to Feel Everything

There is no right way to grieve. You do not have to be calm, or forgiving, or composed. You do not have to make sense of the loss to be allowed to mourn it.

Anger, sorrow, exhaustion, even moments of laughter—all of these can coexist in grief. Allow yourself to feel without judgment.

2. Safe Spaces for Expression

Grief, especially tragic grief, needs outlets. Therapy, support groups, journaling, art, movement—these are ways of giving your grief somewhere to go. Unexpressed grief can turn inward, showing up as depression, illness, or chronic agitation.

Find people or places where you can speak openly, without having to soften your story to make others comfortable.

3. Community and Support

You do not have to do this alone. Whether it’s a support group for survivors of traumatic loss, a trusted friend, a spiritual counselor, or a grief companion, connecting with others can remind you that your grief is not too much, and neither are you.

If you feel no one understands, you are not alone in that feeling either. The grief community is wide, and many are walking quietly alongside you.

4. Mindfulness and Regulation

While mindfulness can never erase grief, it can help you hold space for it—to be with the pain without being overtaken by it. Breathwork, body scans, grounding exercises, and compassionate self-talk are all ways to gently steady yourself in moments of overwhelm.

Mindfulness doesn’t mean spiritual bypassing. It means learning to be with what is, with care.

If You Are Grieving a Tragic Loss

There is no handbook for this. No five-step solution. But there is a path—and even if it feels invisible now, you are on it. Your grief may always carry a sharp edge, but with time, care, and support, it can also become something more integrated, more bearable, and even—eventually—transformational.

You are not required to forgive what feels unforgivable. You are not required to soften what feels sharp. But you are worthy of support, of gentleness, and of spaces where your grief can be witnessed, without judgment.

with love and kindness,

Yasemin Isler

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A Personal Note

When my husband died within six weeks of a very rare illness—an illness that wasn’t diagnosed until it was too late, and compounded by multiple instances of medical negligence—it was a sudden and traumatic passing. The loss left me grappling with not just sadness, but anger, confusion, and a deep sense of injustice.

I understand the emotional complexity that comes with losing a loved one under such tragic circumstances. The anger, the guilt, the disorientation—they are all part of the process. Grief, especially when it’s sudden and unjust, is not linear, nor is it easy to navigate. It is messy and raw, and sometimes it can feel like too much to bear.

Please know that, while no one can truly understand your pain, you are not alone in your journey. If you’re struggling with anger, confusion, or a deep sense of loss, I offer my compassion and support. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but with time and care, it’s possible to begin finding a path forward. If you need help along the way, I invite you to reach out. My work is here to support you, wherever you are in your healing process.

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If you’re seeking community: I offer ongoing mindful grief circles, including two currently forming:

• For those who’ve lost a partner or spouse

• For adult children grieving the loss of a parent

If you want to go deeper: My self-paced course Navigating Grief Mindfully is available anytime, to support you at your own pace.

And if you need one-on-one space: Compassionate support is available privately—you're welcome to reach out if that feels right for you.

Being Strong - Courage and Grief

Being Strong - Courage and Grief

Yasemin Isler

SEPTEMBER 8, 2021

In some cultures, when someone dies, even days later, the words of consolation include “Be strong’. It seems that no one has sat down to process the visceral responses this directive of courage towards grief could bring up on the receiving end. A grieving person doesn’t really need to be told how to be, on top of the burden they already carry. They are already busy swaying between shock and mustering up courage from reserves they weren’t aware existed. There is no need for reminders of the obvious.

How intertwined the extremes of courage dance within us, to the tune that grief plays. There is such strength in being with deep sorrow and facing it. This act uses tremendous energy. One needs to preserve the energy of that courage, in order to not waste it. So, your grieving friend may avoid getting together with you or appear in large crowds, until they have enough energy to spare.

When my husband died, many loved ones out of the kindness of their hearts and cultural conditioning would tell me to “be strong.” I didn’t have the energy to respond to them in the moment, about how it felt being told to “be strong”. Instead, I focused on tending my heart, with kindness. I keep reminding those who grieve that they are already courageous just getting out of the bed in the morning. They don’t need to be reminded to “be strong.” Be kind when you see a grieving heart. Be kind, gentle and patient with your grieving heart.

#spaciousgrief #griefjourney #griefsupport #bereavementsupport

@griefcircles @mindfulgrief

“Why Do I Feel Sadder Now Than I Did Before?”

“Why Do I Feel Sadder Now Than I Did Before?”

It’s something I hear often—but usually only in quiet, vulnerable moments:

“It’s been a couple years. Shouldn’t I be past this?”

“The sadness is deeper now than when it first happened.”

“Everyone else has moved on. Why haven’t I?”

If that sounds like you, please know this:

You are not broken.

You are not grieving “wrong.”

And you are absolutely not alone.

In the early days of loss, there is often shock, structure, and support. People check in. Routines are disrupted. There is space—at least briefly—to fall apart. But as time passes, the world expects you to return to “normal,” even when your inner world has been completely rearranged.

Sometimes, it’s not until months or even years later that the real grief emerges—quietly, powerfully, without warning. You may find yourself missing them in new ways. You may feel the fatigue of carrying your sadness in silence. You may be surprised by how much it still hurts.

This is grief, too.

Not the part that gets sympathy—but the part that asks for healing.

And maybe for you, the loss is still fresh. The world may feel unrecognizable. You might be overwhelmed by the fog of early grief, unsure how to move forward—or even how to breathe.

Whether your loss is recent or years old, your grief is valid, and so is your need for support.

This is the heart of my work. I help people navigate grief in all its forms—early, delayed, complicated, quiet, overwhelming.

If you’re ready for tools, support, and space to feel your way through this chapter, I offer:

• The Mindful Grief Toolkit – a paid digital resource filled with grounding practices, reflection prompts, and calming techniques to support you when the weight feels too heavy to carry alone.

• Self-Paced Grief Courses – including Navigating Grief and others, these courses offer compassionate guidance you can return to again and again, on your schedule, from wherever you are.

• 1-on-1 Private Support Sessions – personalized, heart-centered sessions to help you feel seen, understood, and supported—no matter how much time has passed.

🎯 Book Your Initial Session →

Grief doesn’t operate on a timeline. And healing doesn’t mean forgetting.

It means learning to live with loss in a way that honors your love—and supports your life.

If you’re feeling the ache of it—now, again, or still—I invite you to take a step toward support.

You don’t have to do this alone.

Yasemin

When the Heart Breaks Open: Grieving the Loss of a Partner

When the Heart Breaks Open: Grieving the Loss of a Partner with Mindfulness and Compassion

There’s a unique ache in losing a partner—the one you shared your days with, your bed with, your inside jokes, your future plans, your quiet moments. The one who knew your rhythms and quirks, who showed up beside you in the mundane and the magical. When they’re gone, something in your world shifts entirely. It’s not just that they’re not here anymore—it’s that the we becomes me, and even your breath feels different.

Losing a partner can feel like being set adrift in your own life. And while nothing can make that pain go away, mindfulness—gentle, patient awareness—can offer small pockets of steadiness in the storm.

The Depth of This Grief

Grieving a partner isn’t linear. It’s not neat. It comes in waves, sometimes crashing, sometimes barely a ripple, but always present beneath the surface. This grief touches everything: routines, anniversaries, shared meals, the silence on the other side of the bed.

You might feel a deep longing. You might feel numb. You might swing between moments of clarity and moments you don’t know how to keep going. You might even feel angry at them for leaving, or guilty for still being here. It’s all real. It’s all allowed.

This grief isn’t just about missing a person. It’s about missing the life you had together, the way their presence shaped your sense of home, your identity, and your future.

The Invitation of Mindfulness in Grief

Mindfulness doesn’t fix grief—but it can hold it with tenderness.

To be mindful in grief is to gently turn toward your pain instead of running from it. It’s allowing yourself to feel, to soften into the present moment, even when it aches. It’s choosing presence over pressure, breath over busyness.

Here’s what that might look like:

1. Breathing Through the Waves

When the ache rises suddenly—out of nowhere, or at exactly the moment you expected—pause. Breathe. Place your hand on your heart or belly. Inhale slowly, exhale gently. Let yourself be here. Even for one breath. One breath is a beginning.

2. Letting Grief Take Up Space

You don’t have to be strong every minute. You don’t have to “move on” or get over it. Grief needs space, not solutions. Let the tears come. Let the silence be heavy. Let your heart speak in its own time.

3. Savoring the Memories—Mindfully

Not all memories bring comfort at first. But over time, with mindful attention, they can become small candles in the dark. Try sitting with a photo, a song, or a scent that reminds you of your partner. Notice the sensations. Let the feelings rise and fall without judgment.

4. Speaking to Them

Talk to them. In your heart, out loud, on paper. Tell them what hurts. Tell them what you miss. Tell them what you’re grateful for. This conversation doesn’t have to end just because they’re gone.

Compassion for Yourself

Grief is not just emotional—it’s physical, mental, spiritual. Some days you may function. Some days you may fall apart. Some days you may laugh and then feel guilty for it. This is all part of the terrain.

Be kind to yourself.
Let yourself rest.
Let yourself say no.
Let yourself feel broken.
Let yourself be loved, even in pieces.

And when the world feels like it’s moving on without you, remember: you’re not behind. You’re healing. In your own time, in your own way.

You Are Still in Relationship

Though their body is no longer here, your relationship with your partner continues. It shifts—but it doesn’t disappear. You carry their stories, their voice, their lessons, their love. You carry what you built together.

Some people find comfort in creating rituals to maintain that connection:

• Lighting a candle on special days

• Wearing something that belonged to them

• Visiting a shared favorite place

• Speaking their name

• Living a value they cherished

In these ways, they are still with you—not in the way you want, but in a way that still matters.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

Loss can be isolating, especially when others don’t know what to say or when the world seems to expect you to “bounce back.” But you don’t have to carry it all alone.

Whether you need someone to walk beside you or simply witness your pain without fixing it, support is available.

💬 If your heart is aching and you're looking for a space to be held in your grief, I invite you to book a time with me [here].

🎥 Prefer to explore quietly on your own? My self-paced video training on grief and mindfulness might be the gentle companion you need right now.

You can find an introduction into Gentle Grief [here],

and a deep transformative Navigating Grief and Loss [here].

However you choose to walk this path, know this:
You are not broken.
You are not alone.
And your grief is a reflection of deep, beautiful love.

With tenderness,
Yasemin Isler

Coping With Grief: A New Morning Routine

Transform Your Mornings:

A New Routine to Embrace

Grief can be a powerful, overwhelming emotion that makes even the simplest tasks, like getting out of bed in the morning, feel like climbing a mountain. However, it's important to remember that it's okay to feel this way. Grief is a natural response to loss, and everyone experiences it differently. It's a process that cannot be bypassed, but should be witnessed with tender loving care.

If you are currently grieving, I want to suggest a different way to start your day.

This daily routine has helped many of my clients find a sense of peace they didn't think was possible during such a difficult time. They’ve found that creating a new, morning routine can bring about significant changes. It helped gain new insights and perspectives, brings new focus and energy.

This daily routine has made a difference in many people's lives, and maybe it will for you too. You can try one step at a time or all at once - the choice is entirely yours.

Remember, we all have different abled bodies, living conditions, and access to things. So, the routine may need adjusting to fit your circumstances. That's perfectly okay. The most important thing is to make it work for you.

A Four-Step Morning Routine

Here's a four-step routine that you can follow when you first wake up in the morning:

• Hydrate with Intention and Focus on the Body

Reach over to a glass of water next to your bed and sip it slowly. Hydration is crucial for your physical health, and the action can also serve as a gentle way to wake your body up.

The intentional, slow sip helps rewire the brain to focus and create familiarity with pausing.

The pause is critical, to discern our next action, and giving automaticity a well, pause.

• Breathe

• Practice focused breathing.

• Breathe in while counting to three (1-2-3).

• Breathe out while counting down from three (3-2-1).

• Repeat this pattern anywhere from three to ten times.

This exercise can help ground you and bring your thoughts back to the present.

• Connect with Nature

Rest your attention on something from nature. It could be the view out your window, a tree, the sky, the lawn, a plant in your room, or a photo or painting of a natural scene.

Nature can have a soothing, calming effect on the mind.

Allow nature to help your nervous system regulated.

• Salute the Day

Look out the window to greet the day.

On sunny mornings, close your eyes and let the sun wash over your face.

On cloudy days, watch the clouds move across the sky.

On rainy days, listen to the sound of the rain.

On snowy days, rest your attention in the stillness and silence of the snow.

On foggy days, rest your awareness on all that you can see and not see.

This is a moment to acknowledge the new day and to appreciate its beauty, regardless of the weather.

Rather than focusing on how you wish the weather would be, focus on what is here and greet it.

It is a practice in allowing what is here already, what we cannot change and to greet it.

This morning routine is intended to be a gentle, calming start to your day. It's a way to give yourself permission to refocus when your grief feels overwhelming.

So, which step would you like to try tomorrow morning? Feel free to share in the comments.

Remember, grief will take time, patience, love, and kindness.

It might feel like a heavy burden at times, but it's also an important part of the healing process. Alongside this, it's crucial to give yourself room to breathe and space to heal.

My hope is that this new routine can provide a sense of calm and spaciousness, helping you navigate your grief with a little more ease. But always remember, it's okay to reach out and ask for help when you need it. You don't have to walk this path alone.

In moments of grief, remember to allow the shift in perspective and take a pause when needed.

Remember, you're not alone in this journey.

With peace and love,

Yasemin 💚🩵

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Take my On-Demand Courses anytime, for ways to Support your Grief:

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