Befriending Grief: A Mindful Approach to Living with Loss
Yasemin Isler
January 2025
As a grief companion, end-of-life doula, mindfulness teacher, and academic, I have come to understand grief not as a disruption to life, but as a natural—and at times, sacred—expression of love. Grief, in its many forms, is not something to move through quickly or fix, but rather to meet with care, presence, and a willingness to listen.
In a culture that often urges speed, resilience, and productivity, grief rarely finds the time or space it needs. But the truth is, grief doesn’t follow a timetable. It doesn’t respond to pressure. It asks something far deeper of us: to be witnessed, not rushed. To be honored, not solved.
Mindfulness, as both a contemplative practice and an evidence-based approach to emotional regulation, offers a powerful, gentle way to relate to grief. It invites us to stay present to what is unfolding, moment by moment, without judgment or resistance. And in this presence, we begin to discover something unexpected—not relief from grief, but relationship with it.
Grief as a Natural Response
Grief is not a sign that something has gone wrong. It is the emotional and physiological response to loss—whether the loss of a person, a relationship, health, identity, or a future we once imagined.
While our cultural scripts often try to frame grief as a temporary detour—something to “get through”—what I’ve seen in both clinical settings and personal practice is this: grief is not linear, and it does not vanish. It changes form, it softens, it integrates—but it remains a part of the human experience.
This is not something to fear. It is something to respect.
What Does It Mean to Befriend Grief?
To befriend grief is not to make it pleasant or welcome. It is to stop treating it as the enemy.
The word befriend implies relationship. It suggests that rather than exiling grief or forcing it to silence, we allow it a seat at the table of our inner life. We allow it to speak, even if only in whispers. And we commit to listening.
This approach doesn’t make grief easier. But it does make it less isolating. It transforms the experience from something we must endure alone into something we can explore with awareness and kindness.
The Role of Mindfulness in Grieving
Mindfulness is the practice of turning toward the present moment with curiosity and care. It allows us to notice what is arising—physically, emotionally, mentally—without trying to change it immediately. This is especially powerful in grief, which often shows up as waves: sudden, unpredictable, and strong.
A mindful approach to grief does not suppress emotion. Nor does it romanticize pain. Rather, it honors the full spectrum of what it means to feel deeply. Here are a few principles I share with those I support in grief, whether in hospice care, bereavement groups, or one-on-one sessions:
1. Grief Lives in the Body
Grief is not just a cognitive process. It lives in the body—tightness in the chest, restlessness in the limbs, the heaviness of fatigue. Mindful body awareness allows us to tune into these somatic expressions with compassion. Placing a hand on the heart, noticing the breath, or even simply naming physical sensations can create a sense of safety and support in the present moment.
2. Emotions Are Visitors, Not Residents
Through mindfulness, we begin to see emotions as passing weather systems—not permanent states. One moment may be filled with sorrow, the next with numbness, and the next with unexpected joy. None of these are wrong. They are simply part of the emotional landscape of loss. The more we allow ourselves to feel without judgment, the more these emotions can move through us, rather than become lodged within us.
3. No Timeline, No Comparison
There is no “correct” way to grieve. Some people cry easily; others rarely do. Some talk openly; others process quietly. Mindfulness teaches us to notice the tendency to compare our grief to others’, and gently return to our own experience. In the words of mindfulness teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn, “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
The Power of Ritual and Reflection
In my experience as both a doula and a scholar, I’ve observed the deep human need for ritual—not as rigid tradition, but as meaningful pause. Ritual creates a container for the complexity of grief. It offers a structure in which we can acknowledge, remember, and release.
This might look like:
Lighting a candle each evening in memory of someone loved
Writing a letter to the person or version of ourselves we've lost
Walking the same path each morning while repeating a quiet affirmation
Practicing a weekly moment of silence or reflection
These small acts do not require any particular belief system. They require only intention. They help us remember that grief is not separate from life—it is woven into it.
Grief as a Companion, Not a Destination
Over time, many people discover that grief does not disappear, but transforms. It becomes less acute, less consuming—but more integrated. It becomes a quiet companion, reminding us of what mattered, of what shaped us, of how deeply we were able to care.
When we allow mindfulness to support us in this process, grief softens—not because we’ve willed it to, but because we’ve met it fully. We’ve stopped running. We’ve begun listening.
And often, what we hear is not just sorrow. It is memory. It is meaning. It is love, still echoing.
A Compassionate Invitation
If you are grieving—or supporting someone who is—my invitation is this:
Allow yourself to slow down.
Allow yourself to feel without needing to fix.
Allow yourself to honor what was, even as you begin to reorient toward what is.
You don’t have to do this all at once. You don’t have to do it perfectly. Mindfulness is not about performance. It’s about permission—the permission to be exactly where you are, with exactly what you feel.
Grief is not a weakness. It is a measure of our capacity to love.
Closing Reflections: Walking with, Not Away From
As a mindfulness practitioner, I often return to the words of poet Rainer Maria Rilke, who wrote: “Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.”
Grief invites us into that truth. It reminds us that we are not machines, but beings capable of profound connection and loss. And while we may not choose grief, we can choose how we relate to it. We can meet it with mindfulness, with breath, with ritual, and with the quiet courage it takes to stay present.
This is not a path out of grief—but a path through.
And if we can walk it gently, with awareness and care, we may find that grief does not only mark an ending—but also reveals the depth of what it means to live, to love, and to remain human.
Yasemin Isler is a certified mindfulness teacher, end-of-life doula, grief guide, and academician in the field of contemplative practice and grief, and the creator of the MCCG framework. With a background in Mindfulness Studies, integrative thanatology, trauma-informed facilitation and somatic healing, she supports individuals and communities in navigating loss with presence, integrity, and compassion.
Through one-on-one guidance, workshops, and writing, she offers practical tools for living—and grieving—mindfully. Yasemin believes that grief, when met with care, becomes not a weight to carry alone, but a bridge to deeper connection, meaning, and growth.